I regret what I said about cake following my four-year coma.
Dear Beloved Customers,
My name is Dorothy Wainwright, and as you know, I am the owner of Hot Dottie’s Bakery and devoted wife to Henry Wainwright. My grandchildren have brought it to my attention that I’ve made a complete and utter flub which I’d like to address.
Nearly four years ago, on November 7, 2016, I was closing up shop after preparing for our Hillary-themed celebration the next night. While carrying a tub of blue buttercream into the walk-in fridge, I slipped on apple compote and hit my head…
“This is completely my choice and my voice. In time, I will announce future plans. For now, and for my beloved children, it will be less drama, more mama.”
Less lying, more crying
Less RNC, more decency
Less talking head, more staring at the ceiling in bed
Less name-calling, more paintballing (this is how George and I bond)
Less alternative facts, more shopping at Saks
Less Trump, more “My Humps” (Fergie’s music pulled me through my darkest moments)
Less Bowling Green Massacre, more Oscar Mayer Hot Dog Humanity Day
Less Ivanka, more bosses who…
Hey, it’s me. Jesus Christ.
The holiday season is here yet again, and folks are snuggling up by the fire with their loved ones, eating comfort foods, and wrapping and unwrapping small piles of gifts.
It’s also the time of year when I get asked a lot of questions about what it’s like to have a Christmas birthday. Sure, Christmas exists because of my birth, but now that Christmas is a wildly popular event, I have to throw myself out there for attention so that people don’t forget why we’re celebrating this day at all. …
I wipe the sweat off my upper lip. Someone asked me to watch their stuff at a coffee shop, and I said yes.
Out of everyone who was sitting on the patio, I can’t believe I looked the safest. The most trustworthy. Like I’m the kind of person who flosses daily and definitely didn’t stay up late last night watching reruns of Jackass and ASMR videos of a woman eating Alaskan king crab legs.
People have always had their doubts about me: Promise you won’t forget to pick me up from the airport? Are you sure that MFA in woodcraft…
This trend is bulletproof. Because at this point it has to be.
Editor’s note: For information on how to contact your Senators about enacting common sense gun laws, click here. To make a donation to Everytown for Gun Safety, click here. To remind yourself there is still good and decency in the world, click here. Our hearts and, more importantly, our actions, are with the victims.
If you thought it might rain, would you leave the house without an umbrella? Of course not! So given that there have been more U.S. mass shootings than days this year, why be caught unprepared?
Kevlar is taking American fashion by storm as the fun yet…
