I regret what I said about cake following my four-year coma.
Dear Beloved Customers,
My name is Dorothy Wainwright, and as you know, I am the owner of Hot Dottie’s Bakery and devoted wife to Henry Wainwright. My grandchildren have brought it to my attention that I’ve made a complete and utter flub which I’d like to address.
Nearly four years ago, on November 7, 2016, I was closing up shop after preparing for our Hillary-themed celebration the next night. While carrying a tub of blue buttercream into the walk-in fridge, I slipped on apple compote and hit my head on a can of macerated red cherries. I knew cherries packed a punch, but as God would have it, that 48-ounce can of fruits put me right into a coma.
…As God would have it, that 48-ounce can of fruits put me right into a coma.
After nearly four years and countless advanced medical treatments at St. Andrews Hospital, Henry brought me back to this sweet world by wafting a basket of warm pistachio palmiers into my snout. My first lucid thought was how excited I was to see an unprecedented era for women following the 2016 election.
No one bothered me with politics for a bit, as I’d just been unconscious in the hospital for four years. Henry firstly wanted to make sure I still remembered how to make my signature strawberry angel food cake. He’s lucky I didn’t take that recipe to my grave or, more appropriately, to Heaven.
Since I suppose it was a bit of a medical miracle for an 86-year-old woman to survive a four-year coma, we started getting calls from the media. At the bakery, I had a lovely chat with Cindy Santiago from Channel 3, although I could barely hear her because — for some reason — she insisted on sitting six feet apart. It was all going swimmingly until she asked what I was most excited about now that I’m out of the hospital. Proudly, I told her: to make America cake again.
Proudly, I told her: to make America cake again.
At that point, Cindy wrapped up the interview so quickly I thought there was a wildfire or something nearby! Where did I misstep? Cindy couldn’t even look me in the eye when she left. Did I have caramel on my cheek again?
Days later, my grandchildren came over for dinner — beef stew. As I nibbled a tender carrot, Cameron said, “Gram, we need to talk to you about your decision this upcoming November.” Surely, I thought, he was talking about whether to attempt the life-sized turkey neapolitan ice cream cake again for Thanksgiving (last attempt 2014).
It was a bit of a jump, I told him, but I think we could make it work this time around.
Cameron then spoke to me in a tone that shook me to my steel hip: “You cannot vote for him, Gram.”
I was taken aback by such a fervent response to frozen dessert poultry. Vote for who? All I could do was stare at my grown-up grandbaby — I’m so proud of him — until he spoke again.
“Donald Trump cannot serve another four years as president,” he elaborated. This was entirely news to me.
This was entirely news to me.
Cameron went on to summarize how, while I was comatose, Donald Trump had stuck an eggbeater up America’s private parts. He then showed me some very informative dance videos on something he called a ClipClop. Eventually, I felt the blood drain from my face faster than a gallon of Marsala wine over a slice of tiramisu. I heard my noggin smack the ground right before it all went dark again.
Upon reawakening (this time it was just a little faint), I rejoined Cindy Santiago on Channel 3. Dressed like a cream cheese suffragette, I assured her and all the viewers that my earlier comments were solely about my desire to reinstate nationwide shipping of baked goods and not about supporting a fascist reality TV show host as leader of the United States.
…My earlier comments were solely about my desire to reinstate nationwide shipping of baked goods and not about supporting a fascist reality TV show host…
Cindy understood, which I could tell because I stared so deeply into her hazelnut eyes that they inspired next week’s torte special.
So to you, my customers, please accept my apology for any misunderstanding. It has always been my heart’s sole intent to send you your favorite German chocolate and pineapple upside-down desserts. Now, I will not only be offering free shipping, but I will also be enthusiastically voting for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris this election. Because I swear to the Lord Jesus Christ if that orange marmalade majesty of travesty wins again, I am hunting down another can of cherries.
In God We Crust,
Accompanying video forthcoming. Follow @ljsayshey so you don’t miss it!